Daily Wonderings

September 2005

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**For those of you reading the Hurricane Katrina journal, please click here

For photos, please see the following links: Hattiesburg or Gulfport**

September 29, 2005

I'm feeling very much out of sorts. Kind of pissy and grouchy and all that goes along with that. Contrary. Cantankerous. I think that it's probably PMS what with the ovulation thing. I hate that I get this way. Wonder why it is that we're blessed with this whole thing. Why do we get this and men don't? I'm not buying the Biblical line about the it being Eve's punishment.

I leave for Atlanta tomorrow. In order to be there in time to miss the traffic, I'm going to have leave here by 8:00 at the latest. It's not really all that early, but I could use some sleep-in, you know? That leaving early thing screws with the plan to stop at the Treasure Hunt in Meridian, though. Hmmmm...what to do, what to do, what to do?

My right hip, the arthritic one, is hurting me tonight. Lower back is better. I'm not even 30 yet. I can't be falling apart. *sigh*

I got my insurance bill for the next 6 months. Because two of my speeding tickets have dropped off, the premium is now $200 lower. Yeah! I have one more ticket that needs to drop off (next year) and then I'll be golden. (I promise to not drive above 80 on my trip to Atlanta tomorrow) My bill is still high enough, but after having paid $35/month forever, everything is going to be high. I'm waiting for the renewal notice for my car tag. I'm dreading that as well. It was outrageous last year. I've been told that it drops off significantly after the first year, but I don't know how much it's going to drop since it was $700 last year. How outrageous is that?

We went to a dreamweaver training this afternoon. Yet another example of university inefficiency. We're supposed to be creating webpages for professors and since dreamweaver is the premier authoring software, we were trained to use it. However. Dreamweaver isn't available in most computer labs. We don't have access to the software. Ummmm...OK. The latest suggestion seemed to be that Lydia and I will be handling the webpage development? Or that we're going to have use the old templates? I don't know. Not well thought out and ultimately a waste of our time.

Why are local car dealer commercials so awful? I really don't get it. There's no reason why they have to be so awful. Why can't they just feature the cars? Why do they have be such idiots on the TV? I just watched a Comerica for Hattiesburg Toyota. The premise behind the Comerica was tailgating, so they guy had a football tossed to him. He caught it (good boy) and then spent the rest of the Comerica shifting the football from hand to hand and pointing it at the camera. Ughhh. Don't point that thing at me. And stop shuffling. It makes you look shifty and untrustworthy.

OHMIGOD!!! I'm watching a commercial for the Timelife Treasury of Christmas Songs. I love Christmas songs. *sigh* I should think about getting that collection. There are some really good ones on there.

John Roberts was confirmed today as the Chief Justice. I haven't really followed that too closely. I'm not sure that it matters a whole lot? I think that the next nominee is going to be more significant one. I would hope that President Bush will make a wise choice. I'm not sure he has the power to make an ultra conservative pick. The Republican party is might displeased with their leader these days. It'll be interesting to see what he does and what the reaction to the whole thing is.

September 28, 2005

So yeah. My head is killing me, and I have a cough. That sucks. At first I thought it might be due to my indulgences of the previous evening, but I think that by virtue of the fact that it's 10:00 at night means that it's something else.

And speaking of last night. Looking cute again. Beth, Jamie and I began the evening at Hudson's. It's back open, you know. When I drove by about 4:00, there was not a parking spot to be found. There were that many people there. And I'm not exactly sure why. The store is *full* of sporting good stock. I think I saw a price tag that said it was an Academy store. All kinds of sporting shoes, and fishing equipment, and bats, and balls, and stuff. As Beth and I were saying, it was EXTREMELY disappointing. We were both sad. There were plenty of people who weren't disappointed, though. The lines were probably 20 deep. And I didn't think the prices were that good yet. Only going for 40% off. I figure I'll stop and check the Treasure Hunt in Meridian on my way to Atlanta.

Then we went to Elmo's to play pool with Matt and his friend Justin. The plan was that we'd hang out at Elmo's until ladies night at Ropers started around 9:00. We started at Elmo's and ended at Elmo's. Drank some beer and played some pool. Or attempted to play some pool. I suck at that game, although I think I could probably be better if I practiced at it. I have another new nickname. I'm now the Closer. The three games that I played as Justin's partner, I sunk the 8 ball. Woo-hoo!!!

We were going to go to Ropers, but then we saw that they had karoke at Elmos. So we didn't go anywhere. Kept drinking. And sang. And danced.

I think Beth brought me back to the house around 12:30 or so. I was tired and hungry. Not so tired, though, that I couldn't get myself to Taco Bell. Had to wait in that stupid drive-through lane for about 20 minutes. I have no clue why they are so incredibly slow. They got the order right, though, and I got an extra 50 cents out of the deal. That's kind of a complicated story, best saved for the next time I've been drinking. I think.

As for today. Kind of a slow, boring day. Not a whole lot to report. I finally, finally have the bachelor party stuff done. Apparently there was some problem with finding the rates that I'd gotten. So I checked again and found the same rates. Got the credit card number and booked it. I was panicked when I was doing it...afraid that I was making a mistake. That would have been a bad thing as the whole thing is non-refundable. The credit card was immediately charged. Yikes.

I'm feeling restless. Like I need to be moving, doing something, going somewhere. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm getting out of here this weekend. I'm happy about that idea. I actually might not go. There has been tragedy in Betsy's family and if things get worse, I'll be staying here.

I don't think there's anything else to say. I'm sure that there was, but I don't remember it. That or I'd really just like to keep it to myself. (that whole balancing of public and private)

September 27, 2005

OK...my lower back is killing me. I slept on the other mattress last night, and I'm hoping that it's just something that will take a couple of days to adjust to. *sigh*

I have some sort of funky rash starting on my right forearm. It itches and there are probably 20-25 little bumps right under the skin...area about 2"x1". I'm trying to figure out what it could be. I didn't notice it earlier in the day. It could be the hydrocortisone spray that I've been using on TSLO. (it seems to be working...the bums on her neck are going away. I've been spraying her two or three times a day for the last three days or so) I dunno.

I also have a cold. All stuffy and a little coughy. That could be a direct result of the whole low iron thing. Suppressed immune system and what have you. *sigh*

Went to the gym and took my stat book with me. I read some of it. Tonight's class was a little difficult to follow. I did understand last week's material, but it's gonna be some work to understand this week's. *sigh*

I'm so very tired right this minute.

There was something else I wanted to say tonight. I think it was probably political in nature. Maybe it was something about Frist. or maybe it was about sex.

The good news is that while I was reading for my stats class today, I think I found some really good stuff for my comps questions with regard to statistics. Some stuff about why we do hypothesis testing. I don't remember all of it right now, but I seem to recall that it was really good.

The 27th is the official date to do your monthly BSE. If you've forgotten how to do your BSE, please click here. Please seriously think about finding a Race for the Cure event to participate in. I'm either going to head to Tupelo or Birmingham as the race in New Orleans has been cancelled. You know that you can sign up to be a phantom runner, right? That you don't have to actually run the race? You can just give your money. Please give it a thought.

September 26, 2005

I have been very naughty this evening. Instead of lounging on my floor and reading my stats book, which is how I began the evening, I went to Elmos with the neighbors, had a few beers and played a couple of really, really bad games of pool. (I suck at pool...I can picture where I need to hit the ball, but that vision doesn't translate well)

I guess Jessica and Allison are back together. Really together. They were hanging all over each other and touching each other. It doesn't make any sense to me, but I suppose.

They have decided that my new nickname is "toaster" there was a comment about a "hot stick", and Jessica said something about me wanting a hot stick. I replied that it didn't necessarily need to be hot, as I had a microwave that I knew how to use. *sigh*

All in all, it was a rather enjoyable evening. The beers were $1.75 each and the pool was free since it was Sunday night.

Now instead of reading my stats book, which I really, really need to do, I'm sitting here typing. I've had another beer and I had some lunch. I should run a bath and get in it with my stats book. I didn't do that last night after all.

The first thing I did this morning was switch my mattress with the one in the spare bedroom. I woke up this morning with an incredible ache in my lower back. I hadn't done anything to cause a sore lower back. So, I decided to exacerbate the whole thing by dragging mattresses from one end of the house to the other. Good idea. I'm hoping that the mattress in the spare bedroom is better. Beth said something about Hudson's getting mattresses and such after the hurricanes last year. If that's true, I'm going to be seriously considering getting a new set. Or at the very least a memory foam topper. And some new pillows. And a duvet cover as I do in fact need one of those.

I listened to the radio today. It was mainly a listing of tornado watches. I really do wonder where they get some of these people. Much like the anchorpeople on WDAM, the guy on NPR was barely coherent. I don't understand. How difficult is it to string sentences together when that's YOUR JOB?

I have been practicing important affirmations. I think they're beginning to work. Not totally sure, though.

I feel like ice cream. Perhaps a blizzard. It's the PMS. I'm ovulating. (Like you all wanted to know that, but when you read my journal, be prepared for whatever the hell I feel like putting out there).

It's now very late. I really need to be reading. I could put it off until tomorrow, but that means I wouldn't be able to go to the gym. Go to the gym--read stats. Go to the gym--read stats. What should it be. What would you do if you were me?

September 24, 2005

I really hate not having cable. It was different all those years in NV when I didn't have cable. I had something like five channels that I could get. Now I'm stuck with one. It really does make a difference.

I'm watching Wheel of Fortune right now. I haven't really watched Wheel since they had the prize showcase and you could make your selections. Is it just me or does it seem like Pat Sajack is getting tired? The smartass-ishness seems to be taken up a level or two. And those poor people on the show. I'm watching Valerie screaming and yelling and generally making an ass of herself while Pat is making fun of her. Criminey.

I have spent the last three hours with Beth. We went to Ross to do some shopping and I bought a couple of baskets to dress up my carrel and some candles and a new little black purse. So cute. We then took ourselves off to Chili's where we drank and did just a little eating. There were several boys from the National Guard in there, making nuisances of themselves. They were buying shots for the sorority girls in the next booth. Beth said that one of them was checking me out and we could get our drinks bought if I was just a little encouraging. I wasn't encouraging until it was too late. The boys were singing loudly, getting really drunk. The manager finally came over and told them that they had to be quiet. Poor boys. I told them they could make their way to Shenanigans. They wanted to know if that was in walking distance, and I told them unfortunately no. I guess they'd been dropped off. The Chambord 1800 margaritas were really good, though.

There was some good news while we were out. I can't say it here, but I'm really, really looking forward to it. *grin* I'll be sure to report it after it happens. If it happens. I've been disappointed before. I hope it doesn't happen again.

Had a pedicure and a half manicure this afternoon. I didn't have time to get polished during the manicure because I was meeting Beth. My toes are Concerto in Cooper and my fingers, which I have since done myself, are Golden Cinnabar. Sometimes the fingers look gold. Sometimes they look cinnamony. If my cuticles didn't get so raggedy, I wouldn't need to get a manicure every now and again. I could just do it myself. *sigh*

I'm feeling better, but I'm still very tired. Still kinda headachey. Went to the gym this morning and did an hour of cardio. That's about all I felt like doing. I haven't lifted in awhile, but I think that's OK. Think I'm just going to concentrate on the cardio until I feel better.

Did I mention that I'm going to be taking my comps on Nov. 4? I'm hoping that before the end of semester I'll be defending my proposal. If that is going to happen, I'm going to have start spending several hours a day working on the stuff. And I need to start working on studying for my comps too. I figure I should probably make some flash cards or some posters with relevant points. That way it's always with me. I know what two of the questions are going to be about. I'm pretty sure about another one. Any of you adult ed peeps out there got any recommendations for my studying? (Besides Lindemann and Freire?) I'm thinking that I'll want to do some studying on gerontology and life stages, ala Eriksen? Watcha think?

I haven't heard or seen a whole lot about the impact of Hurricane Rita. I don't know how the LA/TX coast fared. I did watch something about the government in TX asking that people not return until Sunday. They want to make sure that people have gas, food, and power by the time they head back. I saw some footage of people going crazy. Now, we all know that I have a tendency to panic and be fearful. However, in situations that are normally stressful, I think I'm really good. Calm. Collected.

And can I say that while I'm glad the response to Hurricane Rita was so much better than the response to Hurricane Katrina, I'm a bit disgusted at the whole thing. What happened with Rita is what should have happened with Katrina. Supplies and troops were staged and were deployed as soon as it was safe to do so. It can be done. What's the reason that it wasn't done when Katrina was barrelling down on people?

President Bush is disgusting me right now too. As a flaming liberal, I'm never real happy with him, but holy shit. Give it a rest buddy. You fucked up big time with your personal response to Katrina. Coming to the region a hundred times can't make up for that. As mentioned in the above paragraph, his response to Rita has shown just how deficient his response here was. I realize he's in a no-win situation with this (he's got to do something, but at the same time, any something he does is going to make the past even worse), but criminey.

OK...just heard another ridiculous commercial. "Let's continue to assist our neighbors, fly the flag, and display bumper stickers as we rebuild." From the President of Hancock Bank. Ummmmm....forgive my density, but what the *hell* does "display bumper stickers" have to do with REBUILDING after Katrina? I don't remember seeing any bumper stickers that say "I survived Katrina". Is he talking about the support the troops bumper stickers? WTF? Who wrote and approved that copy for him?

I think I'm going to take a bath and read some stats. I know sounds thrilling for a Saturday night, but that's what I'm going to be working on. It needs to be done.

September 23, 2005

One of these days I won't be afraid of men.

Because I was cute tonight, I went out with some friends. Now, the stars, moon, and sun didn't perfectly align this evening because the hair wasn't exceptional, but it was pretty damn good.

Y'all know that I don't let boys buy me drinks, so I was at the bar, getting a round when a boy started talking to me. Said I was trying to mesmerize him with my turquoise eyes and red hair. Told me I should let him take me to a place more appropriate for me. (ummm...like where? his place?) Wanted to buy the round, but I wouldn't let that happen. He followed me back to the friends and proceeded to make an annoyance of himself. That ended the evening a little early because I got creeped out.

I'd been having a good time, flirting, drinking, dancing...up until that point. The other boys seemed to get to idea that it was just a good time...teasing. They left when it was made clear that they should. But this guy...not getting it. I don't understand. What makes a guy keep trying when it's clear their presence isn't wanted?

I'm feeling better today, although I did not go to the gym. Still very tired. I laid in the bed. Puttered around the house and just so happened to catch my boys Bon Jovi on the Today show. (they have a new CD coming out on Tuesday) Went in to work and did things there for a few hours. Made it back to the house around 1:30, had some lunch and went to bed to prepare for the evening's festivities.

I need to study tomorrow. I've got work that really needs to get done.

So, some difficulties today. I know that when someone gives you a compliment, you say thank you rather than making excuses. If someone gives you a gift, you accept it and say thank you. Part of that is because people do things like that because they want to give to you. But what about when people ask what they can give to you? When it is something unsolicited? I know again that they offer because they want to give, but what if you are uncomfortable receiving? Do you allow the gift so that they are able to fulfill their need to give? I'm not sure how to respond.

I need to wash my face. And brush my teeth. I've been doing the Crest Premium Whitening Strips. My teeth are pretty sensitive right now. And I think my gums are pretty sore right now, which I think might be due to the iron problems. (they were sensitive before the whitening process)

I think it may be about time to replace my mattress. Or at least switch the mattress from the spare bedroom with mine. When I roll over, I can sometimes hear a spring pop. That can't be a good thing, can it? My mattress is only about six? years old? Not that old. And I've always been really good about flipping it and rotating it and all of that stuff. I've taken care of it. I'm not sure why it's already breaking down. *sigh*

September 22, 2005

I feel like hell. Had to come back to the house around 3:00. I was sitting in my carrel, doing some work, and I felt like I was going to pass out. Ughhhh. So, I came back to the house and went to bed. Slept until about 5:45.

Went back to school to do some work after that.

I really don't feel good at all. Just ate some dinner and need to take some pills.

I went to the gym this morning. Did an hour and a half of cardio, but I didn't lift. I was so tired. I didn't go to the gym at all yesterday because when I woke up, I could barely lift my arms. I felt like I was weighed down by molasses. It's very difficult for me to tell if this is seizure stuff or if this is the iron deficiency. I haven't taken any meds because I don't like to take the meds (they're so expensive) when I don't have to. Plus, the feeling doesn't go away, which means I have to take so many of the pills and then there's the drug hang-over effect going on. My bones ache. I can't remember if that's a symptom or not.

With Rita bearing down on TX/LA, there's a lot of talk about gas shortages and price hikes. I waited in line for an hour yesterday to get gas. I felt foolish for a little bit afterward, when the news reported that it was all a rumor, but then when I read the cnn.com article about gas prices soaring to over $5.00/gallon, I didn't feel so foolish about filing my tank. Then, of course, I ruined it all by going for a drive. I topped off the tank again tonight. I'll try not to go cruising again.

I need a new CD player. The one that is attached to my receiver here at the house is old, and it doesn't work well. When I turn it on, there's a high-pitced whining noise that gets to be very annoying. And there's a lot of static that comes through it. I played with all of the wires on the stereo speakers, but then I realized that the static only happens when the CD player is on. It doesn't happen when you turn the radio on. *sigh*

I think I could make some money doing PR work down here. I've listened to an incredible number of commercials that are just wrong. It's driving me insane. They make absolutely no sense. The ad from Pearl River Electric Association is a perfect example. Something about the President of the association thanked the workers and the President of the association thanked the customers. Oh really? When? When the commercial aired? Then it should be "thanks". *sigh* And the Southern Surgical Eye Center that didn't do parallel construction well at all. I'm telling you...I could fix it. Should I call and offer my services? I could use some extra dollars.

Again because of the lack of cable, I watched the Apprentice...both Martha and Trump's versions. I was totally unimpressed with both of them. On Martha's version...what the hell is that guy with the cigar in his hand? Are you kidding me? Play up the fat cat executive stereotype. *sigh* Then again, I've never been a real big fan of Martha. She's not a natural television personality, I don't think. I think she's very stiff and stilted, which I don't want to watch.

I'm watching a news story about the disaster food stamps. I think I could probably qualify for them. I guess they're just handing them out? But I don't technically need them. I mean, it would be helpful seeing as I didn't get a paycheck this month, but...

This is actually a thought that I've had before. I don't know if I've written about it before, but a week or so ago, I was in line at the grocery store, and everyone in front of me (4 people?) was using a MSDH debit card. I'm pretty sure that I could qualify for food stamps as this year I will make right around $5,000. Something doesn't seem right about it, though. If that makes sense. Or maybe it's that I have too much pride. I don't know.

Gonna go to the movies tomorrow night. Can't decide if I'm going to see the new Jodie Foster movie or if I want to see Corpse Bride. I also want to see Just Like Heaven.

Got the word tonight that it is official...my application for the DAR has been accepted. I'm a member of the Daughters of the American Revolution. I cannot WAIT to attend my first meeting down here. *grin* How much fun do you think that's going to be?

I think I'm going to have some cookies and milk, and then I'm going to bed.

September 20, 2005

Is it possible that lightening could strike twice in less than a week? Can I have the power to seduce anyone and have nothing to do with it? There was some mention of going out to celebrate a birthday, so I came home and got my groove on.

Can I just say that I clean up right nice? That when I want to, I'm totally sexy? *sigh* There's a slight possibility that something might still happen, but I'm going to say probably not. *sigh* How is it that twice in one week I can get shot down like this? I'm so freakin' ready. It's killing me. I swear it's killing me.

Everything inside of me is SCREAMING, "Let's go!!!" and here I am. Updating my webpage. Can anything be more sad than that?

The good thing is that I had three beers in pretty rapid succession and I only ate half of a turkey sandwich, so I'm happy. It's all good, no matter how it turns out. *sigh* Still, though...I don't know how many more times the sun, moon, and stars are going to align this perfectly if I'm not going to take advantage of it.

Quick...someone remind me again why girls don't go out by themselves?

Anyway. I went to the gym this morning. I worked out even though I really didn't want to. Yeah me! It's a good thing.

I've been working on this bachelor party thing, and thus far, I've got the lodging handled. Not the fishing, though. Have sent out a few more emails, and have some insider knowledge coming (supposedly), but I'm not feeling too positive about the whole thing. *sigh*

I should probably go back to the house, wash my face, and put my sexy self in bed.

I know there was more that I wanted to talk about but I'm just so flabbergasted about this whole turn of events that I could spit.

September 19, 2005

My head has hurt all day long. And I'm tired. So very tired.

I went to the gym this morning. Actually rolled my sorry self out of bed around 6:15. Was walking the track by 6:45. Good for me. Did my walk/run thing (ran a bit more today than last week...so very much need new running shoes), did the ab workout, did the lifting, and finished it all up with an hour on the EFX machine, pushing hard the entire time. The good news is that with my work last week, even with the peanut butter cookies, I managed to lose three pounds. Yeah me!

It's been awhile since I've complained about my local Taco Bell. Probably because it's been awhile since I last visited our my local Taco Bell. I stopped on the way back to the house from class tonight to grab some dinner. (It was 10:00 and I was tired.) I always get the same thing at Taco Bell. Bean burrito, no onion, add sour cream. I cannot stand raw onions. It's the texture. I don't like that hollow, squishy crunch they make. I told the woman, bean burrito, no onion, add sour cream. When she repeated it, she missed the "no onion". So I repeated it. It was on my receipt. Right there. "-O". Got my bean burrito to the house, unwrapped it to apply some mild sauce, and what do I find? FUCKING ONIONS. I waited in the drive through line for about 25 minutes and they screwed up my order? So pissed. If I weren't naked, I would have taken it back to the place, with my receipt and demanded one that was done right. *sigh* But I'm naked, and you know they'd do something foul like spit in my food. I try to go to the one on the other end of town, but with all the traffic in town right now, I didn't want to try that.

I have been looking for stuff for Will's bachelor party, but I need to get a little more info from him. I'm not sure that things are going to come together the way he wants. *sigh* The fishing charter isn't looking good.

I'm so tired. I shouldn't be this tired. I didn't make my way to the store today to get an iron supplement. I did have a roast beef roll-up for lunch and there was that bean burrito (legumes are supposed to have lots of iron). Lydia recommended that I get some fried chicken livers from the Jr. Food Mart. She says they don't even taste like liver. I may take her there tomorrow for lunch. I really just want to feel better. Chicken liver, though? I don't know if I'm willing to go that far.

I had some thoughts about the universe and our purpose and mis-steps and mistakes, but I'm a little too tired to put it all together right now. Maybe tomorrow?

September 18, 2005

So, I attempted to donate platelets again today, and again today, I was turned down. My iron counts are even lower this week than they were last week. Apparently getting dangerously low? So low that that UBS people would like me to go see a doctor. I'm not actually going to go to the doctor. I know that they're just going to tell me to get more foods with iron in them and to probably take an iron supplement. So. Tomorrow when I get out of class, I'll go to the store and get a new propane tank for the grill (so I can get more foods with iron in them), and I'll pick up an iron supplement. They said they were going to flag my file so that I could never do a double red cell donation again.

For about half an hour this evening, I was connected to someone's unsecure wireless network. It has decided to kick me off now. I was in the middle of looking up some info for a friend, but alas, it looks like it's going to have to wait until tomorrow. God I wish the cable had been restored. That way I could use my own internet connection. I could watch football. It's the second week of the season, and I have no clue what's happening in football. *sigh*

I'm so tired. I think that part of the fatigue is due to the iron deficiency. My head has been hurting a bit lately, which can also be a sign of iron deficiency. *sigh*

I'm just waiting for the sheets to dry so I can go to bed. I've done a shit load of laundry today, and I actually need to do a little bit more. It's going to have to wait until tomorrow. I really don't want to listen to the washer as I'm drifting off to sleep. It may be difficult to get to sleep tonight. The annoying neighbor has their porch light on, which shines directly into my bedroom. I knew I should have spent the extra money to get the light blocking blinds in the bedroom. Maybe that's what I'll do...put the blinds I bought a year ago in the living room, get some lightblocking ones in the bedroom? You think?

Went out to Beth and Mark's for dinner tonight. Took them their freshly baked cookies. They, like everyone who has them, are hooked. (Pssst...those of you who know what the secret ingredient are, could you perhaps send me some? I've just about depleted my stock) Spent awhile talking. Did some drinking. And had some dinner. A Schwan's lasagna. (Just a little red meat in there) I was full when dinner was being made, but by the time I got home, I was hungry. Made a turkey sandwich. (Doesn't help with the iron problem) George missed me. Very sweet puppy.

While there we (Jamie, Beth, Becky, and I) talked about piercings. I'm never quite sure how much to reveal, but when they ask me things like "are your nipples pierced" I answer honestly. I just didn't volunteer a whole lot of information...like I have 10 piercings.

Brett Farve just said that if you don't help with hurricane relief, you should feel guilty. I don't know that an appeal like that is the best way to go about soliciting donations. Something strikes me wrong with that balance.

Esteban had a bath today...both inside and out. It had been a really long time since I'd done a thorough interior cleaning. So long that my Armour All cleaning wipes had dried out. The protectant and leather wipes were still OK. Took me an hour to clean everything, use the protectant, and do the leather. I'm going to be sliding around my seat for the next week. When I finished that, I vacuumed. Poor, poor dirty Esteban. He really needs a professional detail. Perhaps that will be my present to him in honor of his first year of service to me. That's coming up, you know. (And the registration. Ughhhh. God I hope that's significantly cheaper than it was last year, and god I hope my insurance rates go down a bit. Two of my tickets should have dropped off my record this year.)

I don't want to go to school/work tomorrow. I've got some work to get done before my class tomorrow night. The routine of school has been good, but I'm having a very difficult time concentrating on what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not sure that's any different than any other time in my life, but right now it seems even more pronounced these days. I have got to get going on my dissertation. I can't afford to waste any more time.

I'm so tired. Can barely keep my eyes open. Got a bit to wait until the sheets are dry. I don't have anything profound to say tonight. I shot my wad last night when I was thinking about loving Peter Pan.

So don't feel good.

September 17, 2005

I have an Iris Murdoch quote on the fridge that says something along the line of "One of my fundamental assumptions is that I have the power to seduce anyone." It's amazing what the right bra and panty set will do for boosting that self-esteem. I'm wearing a pink and white bra and thong set from Rampage. (Actually from Ross, but shhhhhhh) Now the bra isn't all that supportive, but damn does it look good! I look in the mirror and smile. Too bad that I have no definitive plans to have anyone but me see how sexy the whole ensemble looks. And too bad that it's going to be covered up with a pair of jeans and a gold Southern Miss shirt. *sigh*

The hair is even looking good today. It's like some cosmic sign, I think. Looking cute and feeling cute. What more could a girl ask for on her way to a football game where there will be lots and lots of boys? Too bad the most of them will probably be drunk. *sigh* They're no good to you if they're drunk.

The mail today was a gift. I am extremely appreciative of the support that I have received from my extended family. I don't know how to say thank you. I don't know how to express the depths.

It's looking awful and rainy out there right now. I hope that it doesn't rain during the football game. With all this mojo workin', it would be a shame to have the fire doused with water. *sigh*

Well...the update after the game is that the fire has been doused. *sigh* Not by the rain. Damn Debi for moving back to her life in GA. If Debi were here, she would have taken me out. She probably would have gotten me in some serious shit, but she would have taken me out. The lesbians (apparently they're talking again?) said that I was HOT. (even in the gross gold shirt) But there was no one to take me out. A gay bar probably wasn't going to get me what I was looking for. It's a total shame, though, to have wasted a good hair day, shaved legs, and a new bra and panty set. (The bra and panty set are rarely as good as they were the first time you wore them) *sigh*

Can I tell you how bummed I am right now? Why am I not brave enough to go out by myself? (oh, maybe because Dax told me story after story after story about all the bad things that happen to women and maybe because I'm just an incredible chicken)

We won the game. It was pretty one-sided. I think the final score was 45-20. We had our third string quarterback in at the end. There was a power outage in the last quarter. Lasted about 15 minutes or so, during which time, the Pride of Mississippi must have played every single song they knew. Perhaps the best part of the game was the McNeese State mascot. He was a cocky son of a bitch. Our ROTC guys do pushups every time we score (they did roughly 186 pushups this evening) and the McNeese Cowboy started trying to show them up. He was doing one-armed pushups, and when McNeese scored, he did 20 pushups, each one clapping in between or some other variation. I was impressed. Wonder what exactly was under that that mascot outfit?

So, I watched Finding Neverland this afternoon. I cried. I think I've been in love with Peter Pan for the last four years. I know a lot of people joke about never growing up, but at the same time, don't you have to eventually grow up? When you have responsibilities and when you're in a relationship, isn't there some kind of maturity that is incumbent upon you? Don't you have to step outside yourself and make some choices based on the other person and not just you?

To revisit an old topic how do you love someone for who they are...love the person they truly are...and still have your needs met? How do you allow them to be themselves, when that self doesn't value you in a way that meets your needs? How do you honor who they are while at the same time honoring who you are? And even if you love them...the person they are, foibles and all...how do you say that the person they are doesn't give the person you are what you need? How do you respect someone else's needs while respecting your own?

How do you let someone be Peter Pan when you need a little more in the way of reliability?

I'm gonna go try to donate platelets tomorrow. I think I'm going to start the morning at Starbucks...go get the paper, take advantage of their wireless access, have some coffee. Then I need to go to the store to buy some peanut butter chips so I can make more cookies. I gave almost all of them to the guys at Firestone. (I figure that if they're going to take care of me, the least I can do is take them some cookies)

September 16, 2005

Took Esteban in today to get his oil changed. I got there around 11:30, I think, and I was the last customer they took for the day. Apparently all of the garages and tire shops in the area are just slammed with business. Lots of people are apparently picking up nails from the downed shingles. I got the oil changed, the tires rotated, aligned, and balanced, as well as the burnt out brake light changed.

While I was there, I sat outside on the curb to take advantage of the wireless internet available at McAlister's...where I had lunch so I don't feel guilty about using their access. I didn't see any evidence of ants when I sat down, but they were there. I have a whole host of new ant bites. On my feet. On my legs...even though I was wearing long pants. On my sides. On my back. On my stomach. I felt like something was crawling on me, but I thought that perhaps a lovebug had landed on me. *sigh* I don't understand why the ants just can't crawl on me without biting. I could handle them just meandering along my skin (maybe...ants feel different than roaches, but I still have problems with things crawling on me). I don't understand the biting thing though. If they didn't have to do the biting, we could live in harmony. Now I will be on a mission to ruthlessly murder all of the ants that cross my path.

I'm actually worried about the ones on my lower back, in my tattoo. They're going to puss up and be ugly and nasty. I hope that doesn't do anything to my ink back there. I've already got so much scar tissue in the outer colors (the dark brown/black and red) that I can't get those touched up again. It would suck to have a discolored spot in there.

Just about two minutes before Murphy told me Esteban was ready to go, a little boy came up to me and asked me if it was my computer that I was working on (by that time I'd cracked open the stats text book and was taking notes as I read). I told him yes, and he asked if I had any games on my computer. I replied that I only used it for typing. When Murphy called me up, boy asked me if he could type on my computer while I was gone. I told him no because I was leaving. I don't think I would have let him even if I weren't leaving. This thing is my life. I don't know what I would do if something were to happen to it (and yes...I just backed up my files on my 4 GB jumpdrive...did that just Wednesday night).

I only did an hour of cardio at the gym today. I slept in and had a really hard time getting out of bed. I didn't want to workout at all. I went by the adage that if you just go, it'll be OK. It wasn't. The entire time I was running (someone vomited on the indoor track...they were coming to clean it up as I made my first lap), I kept thinking "I don't want to do this." After I finished the running, I decided to go to the WOZ to get on an EFX machine because if I'm going to drag my ass across town, I'm going to stay longer than half an hour. There weren't any EFX machines available so I got on a bike. It was actually pretty groovy. The grips had heart rate monitors in them so I was able to pace myself and get in one of those workouts that is in the target ranges.

There was no weightlifting today, though. I decided that today would be my day off from lifting and tomorrow I'll perhaps do the circuit in the Wisteria room. If they let me donate platelets on Sunday, I won't be able to exercise when the Payne Center is open. (for some stupid reason, they don't open until 2:00 on Sundays) *sigh*

My sweet Peach is being extremely needy this evening. She's been draped over my shoulder, and now she's biting my elbow, practically begging me to pay attention to her sweet self. Sometimes I am reminded of how much I love her. The other day I was looking through my photos for some reason (determining what to take to my carrel?) and I came across the pictures of her as a very small kitten. She was such a cute kitten. How long have I had her? I think she came into the picture a couple of years before Dax left...so that would make her 7? 8? I can't believe I don't remember. I know that TSLO is 3. But I don't know exactly how old my Peach is. (She's making biscuits on my arm right this moment...motor running)

I did a little jeans shopping this evening because the Old Navy jeans that I bought at Christmas bit the dust this afternoon. There were a couple of holes in the right inner seams. I moved wrong this afternoon and those two holes turned into one huge hole. *sigh* I didn't buy any new jeans. I tried on probably 10 different pairs of jeans, and none of them fit exactly right. A pair of 550s wasn't bad, but they weren't good either. If they don't fit right, then I'm not buying them. I'm going to have to figure something out because I now have three pairs of jeans and one pair of dressier pants. I need things to cover my behind. *sigh* If I didn't have these Emmett Smith thighs, it would be easier to find pants to cover them.

Do you think that there are some things that happen to us that we never get over? Are some hurts so severe that we have no hope of recovering from them? Or is it one of those things where you can eventually mostly let them go? Where they remain a faded scar that you can touch and remember the main details of the injury but the specifics no longer matter?

Am watching tv...a wedding ceremony. Just a thought here: not every wedding dress should be strapless or spaghetti straps. That look doesn't work for everyone.

Jessica and her new girlfriend are sitting out on the porch. She apologized again for the occurrence the other evening, and then she was rather smug. That kind of pisses me off. I know that they're both as to blame for the fucked up nature of the relationship, but to be smug about the whole thing? Some maturity might be in order. But then again, if either one of them had that, they wouldn't be locked in these awful battles.

I'm sure there was something else that I wanted to say tonight, but I can't remember it right this moment. As I get older, my memory goes.

September 15, 2005

I think it's got to be the boobs. As I was walking back to my car this evening, a young man was hanging out of his truck, talking to me. Granted, I was looking better than I did during my Katrina bike ride, but. Geez? I don't understand it. I just smiled. What else are you supposed to do?

Is it OK that I think Adam Sandler is attractive? He was just on Jay Leno. Auctioned off a 10-second make-out to benefit Red Cross *sigh*

I did my time at the Payne Center again today. My hips are really, really sore. I think maybe it has something to do with wearing heels yesterday and today. Or maybe those lunges are really getting to me. Tomorrow is a leg day again. Maybe I'll nix the lunges and do squats instead. But squats don't work quite the same as lunges. Damn lunges. I hate lunges. I was getting my visualization going when I hit about 40 minutes on the EFX. You know...picture yourself getting stronger and healthier (and thinner) with each stride, each drop of sweat is a moment closer to my goal. Does anyone else do things like that? They say it works. Several years ago I seem to recall that it worked at one point in time for me.

It's a little, bitty tiny world. You just never know who you're going to run into when you set yourself out into the world.

Did anyone watch President Bush's address from New orleans? I don't know how I feel about it. They cynical, flaming liberal side of me is saying that he's just trying to save his ass. He knows, and is now admitting, that his administration screwed up, and he has an uphill battle trying to convince the American people that he can keep us safe. The other side of me says that he's genuine and is sincerely interested in making this right. I think the cynical side of me is winning out in this battle.

Do you ever get the feeling that something is about to go extremely right? That your life is about to take a turn for the better? I'm feeling that right now. I'm not sure how much stock I put in it, but I'm open to whatever life wants to bring. So often I'm negative and pessimistic, but right now, I'm feeling really good about things.

September 14, 2005

I am a huge chicken. This evening, about 5:30, I heard the neighbors arguing again. And then I heard the door slam. The next thing I knew, both of them were walking across the porch, and Jessica knocked on my door.

She asked to use my phone. Then she asked me to call the police. Allison had both her phone and Jessica's in her hand. Allison said that I didn't need to call the police, it was just that Jessica had been fucking around and got caught. Then she handed Jessica her phone and told her to call her whore. They walked away, and I closed the door.

They continued the fight next door...lots of screaming and yelling. What did I immediately do? I picked up the Pledge and started cleaning. Cleaned and waxed the dining room table, the dresser, and the night table. As I was moving from room to room with my rag in hand, I was thinking about how silly it was that I cleaning when World War III was happening next door. I put down the Pledge and changed out of my comfies so I could leave to go shopping.

Should I have called the police? I didn't see or hear any evidence that things had progressed past the point of just yelling. I didn't get the feeling that there was any real danger there...just arguing. But verbal abuse is abuse nonetheless. *sigh*

I'm a chicken.

You know...in all those years with Dax, we never really had an argument. We would attempt to discuss things, but when it would get heated, I would say, OK...you're right...and then it was over. I so do not like confrontation. I will just about twist myself in knots to avoid an unpleasant situation. I can't imagine a relationship where there was just overt hostility every day. Dax and I had a lot of stuff below the surface, but I most of the time, we managed to get along and I'm not sure that most people knew we had problems. It was difficult for me (and I'm sure it was difficult for him), but it wasn't open warfare all the time.

I can handle the go-along-get-along thing. I don't know that I could handle the choices that Allison and Jessica have made for themselves. I have a headache just from being an unwilling player in the drama. I'd be a nervous wreck if it was my conception of normal.

I was hoping that they would be gone or wouldn't be out when I got back (I was gone for almost two hours), but they were both sitting on the front porch when I pulled up. They apologized and Allison was smiling. I can hear them next door. I don't know if they're still arguing or not. While Allison may complain about Jessica, it seems like they're both locked into this horrid pattern.

I feel like getting back in the car and driving. So don't want to be here in case they blow up again. *sigh*

I went to the gym this morning. Did an hour and a half of cardio. Did chest and triceps. Got in a good ab work out. I'm sore. I'm beginning to believe that the incentive for a continued workout program has got to be avoiding the pain of beginning again. This lactic acid build-up BS is not pleasant. Ran in to Dr. Rachal at the gym this morning. Apparently I was finally there early enough to catch him. He was giving me a hard time about working out...saying it was about time. He's right about that. I tried to convince him that I'd worked out this summer, but I think he may have to see my yellow cards.

I'm watching a news piece about disorder at a Red Cross distribution center. People are angry about not getting assistance. They want money from the Red Cross. The sense of entitlement bothers me a bit, I think. I can't understand what it must be like to have lost everything they own, but at the same time, I can't imagine the rage some people seem to be feeling. The scale of this disaster is unprecedented in American history. It doesn't make sense that people would expect immediate help. People are screaming about how they need help, but...I'm not seeing anyone starving right this minute. There are places all over the region that are delivering hot meals. There are places to go to get food and water. There are places to go to get clothing. The situation is not desperate like it was even a week ago. But, like I said, I'm not there. I can't even begin to contemplate.

I need to remember to check on an alternative location for the Race for the Cure. I'm thinking that the event won't take place in New Orleans. I seem to recall that maybe there was an event happening the same date in either Tupelo, MS or in Birmingham. I missed it last year, and I don't really want to miss it again this year.

Bought gas this afternoon. Filled up the tank. $40. We're still holding at pre-hurricane prices (I paid $2.51/gallon) so I suppose that's a good thing. It was time for a premium tank, but there wasn't any of that available at Chevron this afternoon. I need to take Esteban to have his lifeblood changed. He's way over-due, but since it's a synthetic, I think I'm OK. (I am, aren't I?) Perhaps I will do that Saturday morning before the game.

So, did y'all hear about the latest Circuit Court decision about the Pledge of Allegiance? I'm not sure that this is an issue that I think we need to be expending a whole bunch of energy on. I don't know if it's the issue I want to plant my flag on. The phrase "under God" doesn't much offend me, and I wonder where we stop if we start with this particular issue. I mean...I know that "under God" was added to the Pledge in the 1950s. When did it first appear on our monies? Do we have to take a look at retooling our money or is that different because it's not a "coercive environment"? I don't know. I can't quite figure out why either side gets so up in arms about the issue in the first place. Do those two words matter so much?

I suppose that whole ramble didn't make much sense. My excuse is that my head hurts, and I'm still upset by the argument. (they're still talking...occasionally loudly) Plus, I think I'm trying to be unwell.

I sat in REF 761 this afternoon. Good lord, I don't remember anything. I'm gonna be sitting there, footloose and fancy free, all semester long. I've got to get that foundation back. Does this mean that next semester I have to sit in a 762 class all over again? Cuz I sure as hell didn't get a damn thing out of that class. *sigh* I'm hoping sitting in 761 will help with comps review and with 824.

Speaking of 824, I need to email Dr. Lemire and ask him a question about our assignment for the coming week.

I'm growing two new moles on my left shoulder. They've popped up, but right this minute they're just red. They haven't turned brown yet. I guess I wasn't joking about that whole skin-cancer-as-I-speak thing from a week or so ago. My shoulders did get a lot of sun this summer. *sigh*

Is anyone besides me watching Wanda Sykes on Jay Leno? So totally wrong, but incredibly funny. There was a bit about Southwest Airlines as well some pointed comments about the Hurricane Katrina problems. Like she doesn't blame Bush for the problems....she blames the American people. After all, they knew he was slow when they voted for him; what did they expect? Ouch. But funny. She has to follow the Supreme Court nominee hearings...she has a uterus. (OK, that wasn't all that funny. It's very serious)

September 13, 2005

The cable company got me all excited because they called and wanted me to call back to let them know if my service was still out. I was hoping that it was going to on at the house when I got back. My hopes were dashed when I pulled into the drive to discover the cable line still down in the driveway. I dutifully called and told them that the cable was NOT back on yet, and I was a little confused because the cable was still in the drive. The poor woman I talked to said, yeah...that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? Ummmmm...no. I asked if they knew when it might be back on, and she said that she had no clue. They were back up to about 25% of the customers having service, but they didn't know how long it would take to get the remaining 75%. Knowing my luck, I'll be one of the very last ones to come back online. *sigh* She did say that they will be prorating the bill from Aug 29, so I won't be paying for service I haven't received. That's a good thing.

I went to the gym today. I only did an hour of cardio, but I did lift and do some pretty good ab work. I need to stretch this evening and make myself ready to go do it again tomorrow. I wasn't very excited about going, but it's one of those things...gota do so I might as well attempt to enjoy it. I really do need a new pair of running shoes, though. Mine are dying. I ran a little in them today, but if I'm going to be serious about it, I'm going to have to shell out the at least $80 for a new pair. The workout would have been better if my MP3 player's battery didn't die one song into the the cardio portion of the workout. *sigh* As I was walking and running around the track this morning, I was thinking that next year, I'm going to be 30. I've got to get this together. I have an idea formulating in mind, but I don't want to put it out there just yet. We'll see how it goes.

To go along with that, I'm watching the Biggest Loser. It's the only thing I have on TV right now. I don't think I would ever go on a show like that. I understand the benefits and I understand that some people need that kind of motivation. I'm not sure, though, that it would be worth it. Did you see the beginning of the show? They take them into a room in the house filled with junk food and give them 30 minutes to stuff themselves. And the people did it. They ate and ate and ate...one woman even licking the fondue fountain.

How humiliating is that? I don't care if it would the last time in my life that I could ever have those foods, to gorge myself, in front of America, knowing those people would be thinking the same things I'm thinking right now ...I'd rather die first. I know that those are things I shouldn't be thinking, and I try really hard not to. If you read The Solution, Merlin talks about weightiest attitudes and judging people based on their weights. Part of The Solution is to not do that...you have to accept yourself and your body as it is, and in order to give yourself that acceptance, you have to be willing to give it to others. Most of the time I think I'm pretty good about it accepting others and their bodies. And I think most of the time I'm pretty good about accepting my body the way it is (that's why it is the way it is ...I'm a little too accepting of it). I suppose this thing has made me realize that while I may give it lip service, I don't really...deep down ...believe it. *sigh* I am so very shallow.

I went to pay rent today. The secretary tried to tell me I had to pay a late fee since rent is due by the 5th. I told her that I suppose I could send the landlord a bill for the hurricane clean-up that I did, since they didn't even bother to come by and check on the place until this last Friday. She didn't say anything at that, and my receipt says that I don't owe a balance. Give me a break. The banks weren't even open for quite awhile. What about a little compassion and understanding? That makes me angry. I'm a really good tenant. And they try to treat me like that? *sigh* The good thing (if there was one) was that there was no mention of signing a new lease. My old lease is up, but I suppose that things are a little disorganized right this moment.

I'm not sure that there really are any places that would be available to rent even if I wanted to move. I heard somewhere that there are 10,000 extra people in the Hub City. I don't know that I notice that many extra people, but it is certainly funny to listen to people talk about how bad the traffic is. Traffic doesn't bother me, but I suppose that if you're not used to traffic, this whole thing is a bit overwhelming. I don't travel a lot, though...just to school, and I don't dare go down Hardy Street...so I suppose it's not a factor for me.

We're apparently very important down here. Three cabinet secretaries were in Collins this afternoon, thanking those who got the pipeline back up and running ...taking power away from hospitals. Not that I don't think that fuel is important. However. I wonder what the priorities are. Those here immediately were tossed aside so people in the Northeast could have fuel? And the prices skyrocketed anyway? OK.

I spent the afternoon in my carrel. I have so got to get that thing spruced up. Stark and barren. There's lots of light, though, so I'm thinking about maybe a plant or two. I have a difficult time keeping my plants at home alive. I'm not sure how I'm going to work plants both there and here. *sigh* I need to take some pictures in as well. Which means I need some picture frames. you can't play music in your carrel unless you have headphones. That kinds of sucks, but as the walls of the carrels don't go all the way to the ceiling, everyone can hear everything. That sucks even more.

I was working on Dr. Peter's webpage this afternoon. I've been looking at a computer screen for too long. My eyeballs have the strained feeling, like the eyeballs are trying to disconnect themselves from my optic nerves. Do any of you ever get that feeling? Or is it just me? (I won't be offended if you say that it's just me)

My babies were playing this evening. Peach tends to kick TSLO's ass. That baby is so small...she gives up about 4 pounds to Peach, so it's no wonder that she loses about 90% of the time. Poor baby.

God have I mentioned how much I hate WDAM? Such a suck television station. The reporters speak like they're in second grade. ARGGGHHH!!! *I* could do a better job and I don't have a journalism degree (or any experience...in front of the camera...with television production) I wonder...do they go home and berate themselves for their ineptitude? Do they say to themselves...hey, I should think about practicing my commentary. That way it's smooth. Or do they entertain hopes that with what they're doing now they're going to make it out of this hellhole?

I don't think I have anything else to say tonight. I'm tired, and I should probably go to bed. That way I can get up early in the morning and get my lazy self to the gym. Working out takes such a long time. *sigh*

September 13, 2005

So, I'm paranoid that there's something rotten about my cookies. Last night, about 2:30, I woke up, my tummy hurting something fierce. Without giving too much detail because that's just gross, it was awful. About two hours later, it hit me again. Was OK until this evening. I came back to have dinner before going to class, and I had a two cookies. At about 7:00, which would have been an hour and a half after I ate the cookies, same feeling in my tummy. Not as bad as it was early this morning, but it was not pleasant. I want to ask the neighbors if they suffered the same thing, but when I knocked on the door, despite someone being there, no one came to the door. I was planning on taking some out to Beth and Mark's tomorrow, but if they're making people sick, I don't want to do that. *sigh* I'm not sure what else it could be, unless it was the green olives. I can't think of what else I've ingested that would have caused such a reaction.

I just had another two cookies. If my tummy is not feeling good in a bit, then I'm going to toss the cookies, unwilling to take the risk that it truly is them. It could just be that it's that time of the month. Occasionally my digestive track gets itself very upset with the changes in my hormones.

Today at school I got my password for my email account, picked up my parking decal, and went by to get the key to my research carrel. That's a sad, barren little room. I'm going to have to figure out what to put on the bulletin board. Spruce the place up a bit cuz right this minute, I can't in a million years picture myself working there.

My stats class is going to be a killer, but then again, I already knew it was going to be. He gave us a pre-test this evening, and I couldn't remember anything. It's been so long since I had to think about stats. I think I'm going to ask Dr. Shelley if I can sit in on one of her REF 761 classes so I can brush up. It should help with 824, and it'll definitely help with reviewing for my comps. I'm going to try to take those at the beginning of November.

Lydia, Elizabeth, Marsha, and I have decided that we're going to the football game on Saturday. You may recall that I was worried about who I was going to go with this year. I didn't really want to go with the FB. I'm kind of excited about going to the game. Should be fun to go with a bunch of girlies. We should do some kind of tail-gating beforehand. That would be even more fun. Lets see...what should we have at our tailgate party?

I need to go to the bank tomorrow so I can pay my rent. And make sure that there's money there for when the bills come out. *sigh* I hate going to the bank. I've always hated going to the bank.

Had planned to go to the Payne Center this morning, but because the belly was not feeling well, I slept instead. But...if the tummy is feeling well tomorrow, I'm going to go. Talked with Dr. Peters today, and he seemed to be OK with the idea that I would come in after I went to the Payne Center in the morning. The plan is for me to get in shape. I'm telling you. It's gonna happen.

September 11,2005

Someone out there must have been listening when I was whining about not wanting to donate platelets because of the icky feeling. *sigh* I went in, had my book, was totally prepared for it. When they stuck my finger to check my iron levels, things were a little disturbing. Apparently you have to be at a 38 in order to donate. I was hovering at 26. Woo-Hoo!!! Apparently having a period does affect such things. Who knew? I think they were actually relieved because as you know I'm pretty bruised and the phlebotomist said that it can be difficult to get a successful draw when you've got bruises. Not to worry, though, I'm still committed to doing my part. We're going to try again this coming Sunday. Hopefully that will give my body some time to get itself back to where it should be. Perhaps a multi-vitamin would be in order?

I sure am getting a bunch of movies watched. While I was waiting to go donate, I watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Johnny Depp really is so very attractive. I am now watching Master and Commander. Russell Crowe really is so very attractive. *sigh* I won't be able to watch any movies tomorrow as I'm going to be at work and I have class until gawd-awful late. But perhaps Tuesday I'll watching Finding Neverland.

Did you know that you can place online orders for Schwan's? I didn't know that.

The cookies have finally gotten themselves baked. Have I mentioned before how much I absolutely hate using the electric oven? Cookies get brown on the bottom but are still icky on the top. I so miss my gas stove. (And let me say that after this last week...I don't ever want to live in a house that doesn't have a gas stove...and water heater) For some reason it wasn't as bad baking cookies tonight as it has been in the past. The cutting of peanut butter cups was tedious as always and putting the cookie dough on the cookie sheets was equally tedious. Having lots of cookie sheets helps things.

A few of my cookies would qualify for prize-winning, I should think. Once, back in the day, I baked cookies for a 4-H competition. I recall the Sner telling me that the cookies for the judging needed to be approximately one-inch in diameter. That pronouncement was based on her many years of 4-H experience. While the inch-cookies are pretty, they're not exactly conducive satisfying a sugar fix quickly. My cookies this time turned out a bit flatter and not quite so fluffy as I'm used to. I'm thinking that perhaps that can be laid at the door of the electric oven as well. Suck.

Those cookies are good, if I do say so myself.

I have a cabinet full of red beans and rice mix. Jessica's roommate, Elisha, who used to live across the street moved out and left all of her food. She was going to throw it away, but Jessica saved it. Since she's not a fan of red beans and rice, it's now residing in my cabinet. Good deal.

September 10, 2005

I get the feeling that someone out there doesn't want me to make cookies. Now that I finally have the sugar, the peanut butter cups I had for cookies are bad. *sigh* And by the time I realized that, it was too late to get out and get new ones. That sucks. I suppose that I'll pick up some tomorrow so I can finally get the cookies made.

Instead of baking I painted my nails. I don't really like to do my nails. Toenails, yes. Fingernails with all the filing and making sure things are even, which I have a really difficult time doing, sucks. I have the darker coral on the toes and the lighter coral on the fingers. The sparkles don't detract from the puss-filled ant bites.

Like you care about that.

I am so very weary. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be feeling this awful. I haven't lost anything. I am extremely fortunate. But like I said last night, this whole thing is hitting me hard now.

I'm trying to figure out how to best put into words my feelings about the inadequacies of the response to this tragedy. I find that I'm angry and upset the more I think about things. For the words to have impact, though, I need to spend some time thinking about how to be articulate and I need to spend some time doing a bit of research. I don't want to go off half-cocked, although I suppose that's never really stopped me before. Some things are more important than others.

I complained about WDAM a couple of days ago, and I'm here to tell you that there's no improvement on the weekend. I just listened to the weekend weather person, Joanna Scheid (or something like that) mumble and stumble through an update on Hurricane Ophelia. Do they not have teleprompters there? Good lord.

I think that when I go to donate platelets tomorrow I'm going to take a movie with me. Maybe Finding Neverland. I watched 61* this evening since there wasn't anything else on my one channel. Not a bad flick.

The lovebugs are out and swarming. Such gross critters. At times it looks like the sky is black because there are so many of them in the air. I need to wash the car because the lovebugs that run into your car can damage the paint. I also need to clean the interior of the car. Perhaps that's what I'll do tomorrow morning before I go to UBS.

I think I'm going to wash my face, brush my teeth, and head off to bed. Maybe it's being back here that creates the exhaustion. Maybe I'm secretly allergic to my sweet kitties. Peach is living high on the hog right now. She got some ice cream and earlier she had some fun with my nail file. Just like she was a small fuzz all over again. And speaking of her being a small fuzz, I found a couple of pictures of her as a kitten. Such a cute little thing.

No need to worry about the alcoholic tendencies. I've had two beers since getting back to the house. There's a whole fridge full of them waiting to be consumed.

There is nothing profound to come out of my fingers. Sorry. Too tired.

September 9, 2005

I'm trying to remember what it is that I've done today. Doesn't seem like there's been a whole lot.

I started the morning by taking my two bags of clothing out to the shelter. I've never been to the Forrest County Multi-Purpose Center before, but I suppose if you've seen one livestock events center, you've seen them all, no? Lots of people inside and on the grounds. It took a little bit to find someone to ask if they actually needed clothes or not. And when I did find that person, it was like he wasn't listening to me. He asked me repeatedly what I had brought. I kept telling him that I had mainly brought t-shirts and sleeveless shirts, and he kept asking me what I had brought with me. It was a very exasperating experience. Eventually he seemed to grasp what I was saying and told me to bring the bags in. So I did and then I left.

It reminds of that morning we waited in line for gas. While we were waiting, a doctor from Kentucky? Tennessee? pulled in to the gas station and asked the fire fighters where he could take his truck and trailer load of medical supplies. No one could tell him where to go. The fire department didn't know, and the police weren't there yet. The doctor got very frustrated at the lack of knowledge. He said that with gas being so precious, he couldn't afford to waste time idling or driving around looking for where he needed to be. When I was at work this morning, I heard a rumor that the city of Hattiesburg didn't have an emergency plan in place...no clue how to coordinate or manage an emergency response. I'm not surprised by that. I keep hearing that phrase..."monkey fucking a football."

After that, I went by work. Talked to Miss Doris for about an hour. Went down and talked to Lydia for a little bit. Gave her my MAC address so I can connect to the USM wireless network. Found out that I'm not getting a paycheck until the end of this month. That hurts. Apparently we're only 8-month employees. I could swear that I got a check at the end of August last year. I remember thinking that I'd only worked two weeks and was surprised that I got it. That makes things a little on the tight side. It'll be OK, though. It always is. (If you want to restock my freezer, though...that would be great. *grin* Or send me some wine. I think you can ship across state lines now...)

From there it was a trip to Wally World. Got the faucet filter, but it doesn't fit. The filter is too big for my faucet. I called them, and they're shipping me an adapter. It's kind of funny because in the box, they give you two different adapters for if your faucet is internally threaded, but nothing for if your faucet is smaller than the filter. Very frustrating. Nothing that can't wait, though.

There is more and more stuff in the stores. Things are beginning to look somewhat normal. It's interesting to see what they don't have yet. At Wal-Mart (both of them) there is not a bag of sugar to be found. And I find it interesting to see the differences in stock at the two Wal-Marts. I'd say that the Wal-Mart by my house serves a poorer community, and there isn't as much in the way of niceties, which is something that I've noticed before. The one out on 98 has a bit more in the way of interesting things.

After my trip to the home of the blue bags, I went to Circuit City in search of a cable so I could transfer my pictures from the digital camera to the computer. As you can tell, that worked. I've burned CDs of the pictures of Bill and Jamie and Beth and Mark. As I've talked about before, it takes me awhile to get the pages set up and looking the way I want them to. Combine that creating file names, it took me about two hours to get all of that put together.

I thought about taking a nap after that because I'm so very tired, but I wasn't sure that I'd actually be able to sleep. Instead, because Lydia told me they might be backlogged and might not get my wireless access configured today, I went looking for somewhere that I could get online to update my site, take a look at some emails. I wound up at USM, connecting there. There are apparently a couple of wireless networks in my neighborhood (no clue where they could be originating from), but when I try to connect to them, nothing happens.

Now I'm back at the house. The gross little IGA down the street had sugar, so I think I might make some peanut butter cookies. I understand that there are those out there who would like to finally get their share of the world famous cookies, but I'm afraid that it's going to have to wait. I need to take some out to Beth's (kind of as a thank you) and I should probably take some to work. Plus...I just want some. Y'all are just going to have to wait.

Thomas, the guy who lives across the alley, just stopped by and asked me if I would mind him taking the vacuum that I'd left out on the curb. I told him to take the red beast...that it worked, but wasn't getting a whole lot of suction these days. Gave him the extra bag that I had hanging around. He said that he likes to tinker with things so maybe he could get things working in better order. He's welcome to it. I don't have time for that kind of frustration. Which reminds me...I need to run my vacuum again. Pick that cat hair up.

My poor TSLO. I need to take her to the vet. It's past time for another cortisone shot. Her poor little neck is just ringed with scabs. I did some heavy duty brushing, doing my best to be careful and get the scabs off. Poor, poor little girly. And my god, what a ball of hair that just came off that little body. But the vacuum sucked it up beautifully. Just a bit of trivia for you...if I plug the vacuum into the wall in the living room, I can vacuum the living room, the hallway, AND the bedroom. *sigh*

Is that the Foofighters playing "Born on the Bayou"?

I'm going to take a moment to be insensitive here. Actually a couple of moments, I suppose. And I can do that here because this is my space, my place to work through my thoughts and feelings about things.

I'm highly annoyed that the media attention seems to be focused on New Orleans. Yes, I know it is awful and horrible there. I know the suffering there has been extreme. But the suffering and the devastation has been awful, horrible, and extreme everywhere that has been impacted by this thing. I didn't have access to the national media so I don't know what has gotten out, but did you know that rural Mississippi, it was only THIS WEEK that the National Guard began dropping supplies? That those people in those areas were starving and dehydrating out there, with no one knowing (or caring?) that they were in such dire circumstances? Have you heard the stories like Bill's sister Patty's? Who stayed in her home in Gulfport (click here for pictures)? What about the horrid things that happened in the shelters here?

I understand, I understand, I understand that New Orleans provides a very visible rallying point for the rest of the country, but there are still those in other parts of the affected area that are still struggling, still hurting, still hanging on, desperately trying to survive. Do we care about those people? It's 90,000 square miles. And we're focused on one place?

It's very frustrating, but I suppose as long as the money and the support and all of that is coming in, I shouldn't complain too much, should I? It's ego that wants to scream, "but what about us?" Ego seems to be something that I've struggled with in some form or other for quite awhile (go back to this year's February/March entries for some discussion of ego and love and all of those implications).

The mosquitoes here are getting bad. I left my bottle of Skintastic Off! at Beth's, but I picked up another one at the store yesterday. It's a good thing. This morning, just standing outside talking to Jessica, I added another five bites to my already riddled body. I doused myself before heading out. Just took the garbage out and apparently I forgot to spray before I walked out the door. *sigh* Another three bites. I need to take the garbage out, but I don't know if I want to risk it. All of those bugs are carrying disease, I just know it. Ughhh.

I couldn't help it. Those of you who know me (Cari) know that I have this thing about taking the trash out. When the trash can gets full, the trash is supposed to go out. My trash can was full. Even with the bugs, I had to take it out. Compulsion. *sigh* I don't think I collected any new damage.

WDAM ran a story this evening about the Longleaf Trace. They're saying that it's going to be able six months before the Trace is cleaned up. That hurts my heart. There are so many things out there to hurt my heart, but maybe this hurts because I was ready to get back to it. I was ready to start riding again...and the Trace has always been such a source of enjoyment for me. As the director said, there are other things that should be a priority. Other clean-up projects that need to be handled first. It still makes my heart hurt.

I have yet to do my nails. Or to take a bath. I'll do the bath before I go to bed. I don't think I'm going to get around to baking cookies tonight.

I almost ashamed of my feelings as they relate to this whole thing. I am lucky. I have lost nothing. But I am still feeling forlorn and...lost. And I don't know that those are necessarily feelings I should be having. I don't think I should have gone to the coast, and I don't think I should be watching the TV and looking at all of these images. I think that perhaps as I get older, I get more emphatic and things hit me much harder, I feel them more intensely. It is too much for me I think.

I made pasta salad for dinner. It seemed about right. It went with my chicken salad sandwich for lunch. A silver lining in this cloud has got to be the possible weight loss that will come from these weeks of "camping". I have the young, skinny, sexy pictures up on the mirror in the bedroom. Inspiration and all.

Kind of funny that right before all this happened, I'd gotten an email from Tracie that had some pictures of us when we were younger. I remember that we were always talking about dieting, worrying about losing weight, not wanting to gain anything. When I look at those pictures, I don't see fat young women. I think we were fine. Too bad we didn't know it then. (..."gonna need a forklift cuz all the baggage weighs a ton...")

Tomorrow I must spend some time working on my pre-proposal. While school may still be on holiday, that dissertation isn't going to wait for anyone. I have got to get to work on it, begin to take it take it seriously. It'll give me something to think about, something to do.

Does anyone know if it's OK for me to take my own blanket with me on Sunday when I donate platelets? I was so incredibly cold. I'm gonna wear long pants, but I can't wear a sweater. I hope y'all don't think less of me when I tell you that while I know that people need what I'm going to be giving, I don't want to do it. It hurt, and those vibrations and contractions were frightening. I can't put into words what it really felt like. I feel like there is so little I can do, though, that what I can do, I should.

Do you see me continuing to ramble on without a point in my head? Criminey I need to be quiet, don't you think? Perhaps it's time for a bath. What book do you think I should read in the tub?

September 8, 2005

Got back to the house about 8:30-ish, I think. I don't remember exactly. Immediately started cleaning. Being closed up, without the AC running for a week and a half does not do good for the aroma of this place. After a day of candles and spraying Febreeze, I think I'm about to get it licked.

I need some more fragrant candles. I imagine that as soon as Hudson's opens up, there will be plenty of things like that hanging around. I have to say that those Home Interior candles I got from Cari last year are the greatest. I've got one going in the bedroom, one in the living room, and one in bathroom.

I think my house is cleaner than it has been since I moved in. Have I mentioned before how much I love my new vacuum? With the extra hose and the duster tool, I cleaned the blinds in the living room and the bedroom. And I got out the step ladder and did the blades of the ceiling fans. In there I decided to use the duster tool to vacuum my laptop. Cat hair and all. I then used the power handtool to do the couch and the blue and white chair. I also dusted. Used the Pledge and everything.

I can see the top of my nightstand and dresser. I moved the vitamins, the Pepto, the cold meds and all the medical stuff to the nightstand. Make-up, perfume, lotion, girly-stuff to the top of the dresser. In all that minutia, I also bagged up two garbage bags full of clothing to take out to the Red Cross shelter here. I seem to recall that I heard on the news that they needed clothes and toiletries. If they can't use them there, I suppose I'll drop them off at the Salvation Army.

I'm also going to go to school tomorrow. I guess some staff are on campus. Check in and see how things are going, see what's going to be expected of me on Monday.

After that I need to go back to Wally World. I was going to go pick up a faucet mount water filter. I've been meaning to do that for quite awhile, but I have an impetus now. The boil water order has been lifted so that's not the concern. Just that I was craving some cool, clean water this afternoon, and I knew that wasn't going to be coming out of my faucet. It's icky.

Speaking of Wally World...when I was there this morning, they still didn't have a whole lot of stuff. I think I got maybe half of what was on my list.

I'm so tired. I have a tank full of hot water waiting, and I have yet to take a shower or a bath. I haven't had a hot shower since Sunday, August 30. Instead of running the tub, I'm here, writing nothing. What's wrong with me?

My cable is out, which means my internet is also out. I called today to report it, and they didn't have any idea when they might get around to getting that fixed. I don't really mind the lack of TV, except I do like to watch the news so I know what's going on in the world. WDAM, the only station I can get, is truly the most awful station I've ever watched. It's like all of the reporters are stunted. No one can speak clearly or smoothly. The weatherman in the morning and on the noon show sits in an armchair, overflowing and too indolent to actually speak articulately. I understand that the Hattiesburg market isn't that big and thus probably doesn't attract the most talented people, but criminey. I have no other source of news because you know the Hattiesburg paper, while apparently very informative about Katrina, is a POS. Ever check their site out when there's not a crisis? Ughhh. Starbucks isn't open yet so I can't even get my hands on a NYT.

I am a giant bruise. My arms are black and blue an inch or so on either side of the draw sites from my blood donation. The back of my right leg is swollen and a reddish-purple due to the bee sting. In other spots I have various shades of brown, yellow, and green. I'm not sure where all of the bruises came from. Good thing no one is seeing me naked for awhile. *sigh*

This afternoon Mr. Tadlock was around surveying the damage. Mr. Tadlock is my landlord. According to the neighbor, he's a slumlord, but I can't complain much. I guess he's trying to figure out how much it's going to cost him to clean up things. I wonder if there's some appreciation for the work I did last week? He supposedly told Jessica when the next round of leases get signed, the provision will be that the resident is responsible for all repairs. If that's the case, I won't be signing that lease. If you're paying for repairs, what's the point of renting? Plus there's too much that's wrong with these places for me to take on that. I'll figure something else out. I have yet to pay my rent this month, but I'm planning on doing that on Monday...after I pick up my paycheck.

I just waxed my lip and eyebrows. I'm really good at my lip, but I'm not so good at my eyebrows. *sigh* Not bad, but I think that I got more out of the plucking than I did out of the waxing. I think they look OK, but what the hell do I know? I've walked out of salons with mismatched and uneven eyebrows. I think tomorrow night will be reserved for my nails. Perhaps if I paint my toenails with lots of sparkles, it will detract from the pus-filled ant bites on my feet. Maybe?

I've realized that for the first time in a week and a half, I can sleep naked. Woo-hoo!!! That almost didn't happen. One of the blinds at the head of the bed came down and when I was trying to get it put back up, I had a really hard time with it. If I were a smart girl, I'd go and buy new blinds for those windows...and the ones in the living room, too. They need it. I just don't know if I want to put any money into this place.

It took awhile for me to find somewhere to connect to the internet today. I connected at the Comfort Inn last night. That didn't work today. After going to several different places, I wound up at the Fairfield Inn. If I get to work tomorrow, and they get me hooked in to the wireless network on campus, I won't have to sneak around.

Did I tell y'all about waiting in line with the 82 year old woman who was born on the USM campus because her mother couldn't make it to the hospital? Very sweet, little old lady. She was telling me stories about Hattiesburg and the university. She weathered the storm in her apartment and at least had phone communication throughout the storm. She'd finished her last can of chicken and dumplings and needed some food. She had been out to the hairdresser and had her hair set. Hair is very important.

Last night I read back over my account of the storm. I cut and paste it into a Word document. All 23 pages of it. What a lot of nothing, huh? I told you...there wasn't anything else to do but scribble.

September 7, 2005

I am extraordinarily comforted and humbled by the notion that so many people have been worried about me. It is overwhelming to see messages from so many people who care. I am a solitary soul at my base, and I'm OK with being alone. It takes a bit for me to form connections, to allow people in, so it is amazing to me that out there in the world, there are all these people who are wondering, worrying, waiting.

I talked to Betsy today. Downloaded some 200 messages to my main email account, briefly looked at almost 700 messages in my hotmail account. Saw countless people wanting to know where I was, how I was, and if there was anything that they could do to help.

I do not know how to make an adequate response to such an outpouring of caring. I am grateful.

Talked to a power company crew when I was at the house this afternoon, and they said that I should have power tomorrow. I can take a hot shower tomorrow. Hell, I can take a bath. Soak and shave my fuzzy legs. (The boil water order was lifted today)I'm looking forward to that. Looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.

That means I need to call the cable company and get to work on getting my internet access returned. I don't know how long that will take.

Beth said that a power crew stopped by her house as well and told her that she should have power tomorrow as well. If it's on at my house, I'm still going to call her and tell her she can feel free to come take a hot shower. She made me promise that if I got power before she did, she could come use my shower.

I updated the webpage and sent out a couple of emails this afternoon by sitting outside of a local hotel, logging on to their wireless access. I was stealing internet access. And I felt awful about it. Had that panicked feeling by the time I was done. (Starbucks wasn't open) I will probably have to do something similar tomorrow in order to check on things and continue my updates. Ughhhh. Do you realize that the football season starts tomorrow? I'm gonna miss the game unless I go somewhere to watch it. Maybe I'll head to Buffalo Wild Wings.

We were on the coast today. The amazing thing to me is that a lot of the coast looks like what it looks like up here. Lots of downed trees. Lots of shingles gone from roofs. Damage from the wind. Not necessarily damage from the water.

That is, until you get to south of the railroad tracks. South of the tracks is a wasteland. There was nothing left of Jamie and Bill's house. We wandered around, picking things up, putting them down. They didn't want to take anything with them. To them, it's all gone and there's nothing...not even the grandma's silver...that they want to take with them to remind them of the destruction of their lives. I suppose I can understand that. On a much smaller scale, when Dax left me, I told him to take everything. I didn't want to have any thing hanging around to remind me of the past.

We did pick up probably 40-50 bottles of OPI nail polish. Apparently there was a salon on the corner in front of Jamie and Bill's house. All of those bottles littered what used to be their house, what used to be their lawn. Two of the big heavy mirrors from the salon survived intact. I thought that was a little odd for them to still be there. According to Jamie, looting had occurred there already because when she came down on Sunday, they had set aside part of her drum set and when we were there today, that was gone.

We wandered down to Patty's house (Bill's sister). I do not know how they managed to survive that. I don't know how they stayed there and lived. While we were there, WLOX came through and asked if Jamie would mind doing an interview. She told Patty's story and told them that she and Bill were planning on rebuilding. It's their home. They can't conceive of leaving it long-term.

There are all kinds of gas leaks in that area. if you weren't smelling gas, you were smelling the rotting of something. Whatever it was, it was foul. I think maybe it was sewage?

I took a ton of pictures that I'm going to eventually need to upload to the site, but right this moment, I'm having extreme difficulties unloading the photos from my memory cards. I think maybe I need to try to downloaded a new driver. Or maybe I need a new cable. You know that TSLO has chomped on the cable that I currently have. Whatever the reason, it's very, very frustrating.

I suppose that tomorrow I will need to go grocery shopping. There's not a lot to eat in my house. Not looking forward to that expense. Anyone out there want to restock my freezer? *sigh* I'm trying to think of what all I need to buy, and it's not coming to me.

I also need to get the oil changed in the car. *sigh* Not looking forward to that expense either.

I'm feeling a bit weepy and peevish right this moment. I'm sure it's my PMS kicking in right about this minute. Or maybe I'm just tired.

I'm apprehensive about being by myself tomorrow night. I'm telling myself that it's going to be fine, that there's nothing to be worried about. Because the power will be on, I can lock the doors and not worry about suffocating. I can lock the doors and not worry about someone coming in. And there won't be anyone coming in because the city is secure. The National Guard is out there, working to make sure that it is. Nothing at all to worry about. Nothing. I'd still rather not be alone, though. You know? Maybe an Ambien will be in order tomorrow night.

There's a lot I'm thinking about right now, but even though this is my site, supposed to be my musings, my thoughts, my insanity, it somehow doesn't seem right to be putting those things out there in the world just this moment. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.

So, I just re-read my experience with Hurricane Katrina. There was lots of references to drinking. I don't want y'all to think I'm an alcoholic. I'm not. I don't have to drink. I don't actually drink a lot most times. Usually a drink with dinner...some times. Not every day. Just wanted to reassure y'all.

 

Last Updated July 19, 2007

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